im lost for words

Ola

It’s been a month since I last posted something. I blame it on the haze. Or maybe I’ve been busy since I left yall the last time. The month passed quickly and without a hitch for my fasting. The season’s for reflection on what I’ve done for the past year and for the blissful happy people out there, Hari Raya Aidilfitri or Eid Mubarak is NOT Islam’s new year.

I’ve been contemplating deeply (I think) about what I really want and yes, I’ve brought a lot of happiness to a lot of people around me, unfortunately, I come with a baggage of sorrow too.Aside with the stereotypical and generic description of me being a "nice guy" and "brilliant as a friend" (I’ve never understood that part yet), I’ve come across people calling me brazen, nonchalant, blatant, nondescript and pan-faced with my comments and opinions. Yes, I may have the high capacity of self-criticism and insult threshold on par with treason but what I cannot fathom is the insecurities I feel whenever I don’t see eye-to-eye with something.

What is it with me and my nonsensical barrage of "gabbing"?

Is it wrong for me to say what I assume is rational?

Alas, nothing will answer me but I’ve figured that everyone was and will never be the same. One person to the next, are all different. That’s what makes everyone special though. My relatively conscious mind that makes everyone that means to me a lot more Special.

I seek everyone’s forgiveness for what I’ve said before and will in the future that may involuntarily cause hurt to you.

Selamat Hari Raya everyone.

Keep ya hats on.

Listening to :~ John Legend - Used To Love You

Hey…

Been observing some people lately and one particular person that I would like to highlight is a colleague of mine. While having a conversation, I was completely taken aback by the numerous amount of projects that she was involved in and how much time she puts into it. Yellow Ribbon project, writing for ST, advert sideline, transcribing jobs and enough time to keep herself fit at the gym (that’s not all, by the way).

I could never put myself through all that without getting a headache. In fact, I think I’m just too lazy to actually do all that even if it benefits me. Don’t get me wrong, it’s wonderful that she has such youthful exuberance to partake in all that. I admire it but sometimes inadvertently, it makes me reflect on my life and I feel that I’m not doing enough.

I want to buy a schedulebook and fill it up with different appointments and be involved.

I want to have my phone ring at different times of the day and be speaking about the next person that I would have to meet.

I want to be important to someone else.

I want to…wait…I’m just taking this too seriously.

I should take this slow.   

And please people, I may be physically lazy and unmotivated, but I am not certainly slow in the mind (I assure yall that). In fact, I have shitload of projects in my head at this moment but they dont seem to be blasting off anywhere.

The list

1. The script I’ve been wanting to shoot. I can’t make the deadline but at least,Insyallah, it would be in its finality of it being produced. Sorry, Khirni.

2. A "passion" business proposal which has been lingering in my head. Couple of guys drop off from my mind as collaborators.

3. A webcomic idea. (I love aLp and thanks Zhak for the intro)

4. Learning to spin. Vinyls, I mean.

I am sure that at least one of them will work out. I hope.

For the time being, I will be around town to find inspiration for my new script that I’m working on. It’s a supernatural one.

Til Later,

Keep Ya Hats On.